not a pretty girl

And God help you if you are an ugly girl
course too pretty is also your doom
cause everyone harbors a secret hatred
for the prettiest girl in the room

Yeah, it's Ani. So what? I can be a stereotype. Anyway, it sets the stage.

I've been thinking a lot about beauty. (Still.) What it means. What I look like, really, and how that compares to other people. How I feel about my physical appearance.

As Ani also said, "I am not a pretty girl" -- and I am not a pretty girl. I never have been. I was a cute kid, with some interesting features (long legs, big eyes, lots of good thick hair). I went through an awkward period of about ten years, where I had braces and glasses and headgear and acne and a general off-putting-ness that really didn't win me any fans. Nobody ever wanted to date me in high school; since I was, obviously, not into boys, that didn't bother me much.

And then I went to college...and then I graduated college...and while I feel like I'm getting more attractive as I get older, I am still not a pretty girl. For a long time I believed that being thin was exactly equivalent to being beautiful, and so the thinner I got the more attractive I felt. But I no longer believe this to be true.

I saw myself on a video the other day, and the thought I had -- the thought I articulated to people -- was, "My God, what a bony, greasy little monkey I am."

What brought on this thought was coming into work today. I work with one woman who is not just pretty or attractive, but she is actually beautiful in a kind of way that makes people stop for a second. Most people I find truly beautiful I find beautiful because I love them so deeply that I cannot see them any other way. While I'm really fond of this girl, I don't *love* her or anything, and it doesn't change the fact that she's absolutely stunning.

She was even lovelier than usual today, and I asked her, "Why are you all dressed up, lady?" As if it were obvious, she answered, "Because we're going OUT tonight!" And I realized that I was going to be spending the evening with this lovely person and our mutual, all attractive, friends -- and I was going to be the ugly girl.

I am going to be the ugly girl!

Is it the lesbian thing? Is it the gangly thing, the pale thing, the no makeup thing? What about me makes me so much less attractive than these other women?

Whenever I'm around them I feel like nothing but crooked teeth, greasy skin, knobbly knees, chubby cheeks...

I've never felt like this before.